Final Fantasy 9 Engulfed in Stupidity
by Vinsontran23
Summary: What do you get when you have everyone in Final Fantasy 9 have 50 points knocked off their IQ's? Endless adventures.
1. Capture the Princess

Final Fantasy 9 - Engulfed in Stupidity

Chapter 1 - Capture the Princess

Where…am I…?

Darkness…is all I can see…

Can…I move…?

Voice: WAKE UP!

(_slapping noises_)

Zidane: Huh? What?

Guy: How many times must I tell you, YOU DON'T LIVE HERE! Now get out of my bathtub so I can shower.

Zidane: Geesh, fine.

The thief exited the house, and looked around on the streets of Lindblum.

Zidane: What to do?

A person came by.

Blank: Hey Zidane, sleeping in the wrong house again?

Zidane: Yea, but turns out I slept in the bathtub instead of the bed.

Blank: Come on, we have a job. Let's get to the castle.

At the castle…

Cinna: Hey guys.

Blank: The meeting's in the other room, come on.

The team went into a room.

Baka: Hurry up maggots. Alright, here's the deal. We're heading to Alexandria to perform a play, and guess what? You're not getting paid!

Hurrah!

The team got on the theater ship, and discussed their tactics.

Baka: Alright. Let's review. We're going to play, "I Want to be Your Canary" to distract the city of Alexandria.

Marcus: I thought you were doing this to get filthy rich.

Baka: Yea, now shut up Marcus, you're playing the lead role.

Marcus: Don't worry, I had the lead role to my first grade play, "The Ugly Duckling."

Cinna: That play went horribly wrong. You went berserk and attacked all the other staff members.

Marcus: And that is horrible how?

Blank: As long as he can stall, I'll let out these oglops and cause havoc in the city. That's your cue Zidane.

Zidane: That's when I storm the castle and capture the beautiful princess Garnet.

Baka: (_pulls out adorable Garnet doll_) Yes, that's when you capture the gorgeous princess of Alexandria.

Zidane: Where did you get that?

Baka: I made it myself. What do you think? Doesn't it look cute?

Cinna: The doll's cute. You aren't.

Baka: Quiet! Now, everyone get ready! This better work or no one's getting paid!

Hurrah!

On the streets of Alexandria…

Vivi: This town looks very big. I should destroy it.

A girl crashes into Vivi who drops a ticket.

Girl: Here's your ticket.

Vivi: (_fixes his hat and takes ticket_) Thanks.

Girl: Bye.

Vivi: Ticket? Oh yea, don't destroy cities until I enjoyed myself. Now, ticket booth.

At the ticket booth…

Ticket Master: Hello.

Vivi: Yes, may I enter the stage area?

Ticket Master: Ticket?

Vivi: Here you go.

Ticket Master: (…) THIS TICKET IS FAKE! SECURITY!

Vivi: No! No! Not again!

A rat boy comes out and kicks the securities' shins and run off with Vivi.

Vivi: Thank you.

Rat Boy: No problem. Now, you want to go watch the play with me?

Vivi: Ok.

Rat Boy: Than be my servant and bow down to my every whim.

Vivi: Sure.

Rat Boy: Ok, I'm Puck.

Vivi: I'm Vivi. Now how are we suppose to go watch it from out here?

Puck: (_pulls out bazooka_) Who says we are?

Moogle: Kupo! Don't do that! My brother is in there!

Puck: Kupo? Oh right, family. (_puts away bazooka_)

Vivi: Who is this?

Puck: This is Kupo.

Kupo: Kupo. Allow me to save for you so that when you die, you can come back to life to die again.

Vivi: Sure.

Kupo: Searching memory card… No memory card found.

Puck: I think that means you have no brain. Oh right. Getting inside the castle. Uh, I'll need this ladder!

Puck takes a ladder, and tosses the carpenter struggling on the ladder.

Carpenter: Hey, I was still using that!

Puck: I'll return it! (_leaves with everyone else_) Not.

They arrived at a very small cathedral. In the middle was a ladder.

Up the ladder they went, and ran on the rooftops of the houses.

Connecting the houses were very thin branches that allowed them to move atop them.

Vivi: (…) I'm scared of heights.

Puck: Well just look at me, don't look down, and think of clouds.

Vivi: I need to go to the bathroom really bad.

Puck: I didn't mean rain clouds idiot. Now get over here before the branch fall.

Vivi slowly crawls over and makes it safe.

Kupo: Wait for me! Kupo.

The branch breaks while Kupo walks on it and Kupo falls down into the streets.

There is a random assortment of Kupo's and Kweh shortly afterwards.

Puck and Vivi look over from the edge of the house to see what is happening.

Puck: Since when does Alexandria have a Chocobo Marching Parade? Anyways, we should keep going. No point in waiting.

Vivi: Shouldn't we go help him?

Puck: No thanks, too much work. Sigh, and besides, we could always replace, there's like a million moogles out there in the world. Now hurry up, I want to steal people's stuff while they're getting snacks.

To be continued…

Cid: Ugh, time for me to get some sleep. Hey, wait. Where is it? WHERE'S MY GARNET DOLL!?

* * *

**Copyright to Final Fantasy 9, all its characters, and the Garnet Doll.**


	2. Call for Action

Final Fantasy 9 – Engulfed in Stupidity

Chapter 2 – Call for Action

Cinna: Zidane! Look, if you're going to drive…

Zidane: I can handle it!

Cinna: Just give me the wheel!

Zidane: No! I can dock the ship!

Cinna: You're going to crash! Give me the wheel!

Zidane: FINE! (_Rips off steering wheel_) Here! You drive.

Cinna: Ok, you've doomed us all!

Zidane: Abandon ship!

Everyone jumps off the ship. The Theater ship draws closer to the dock for a collision. Blank walks in drinking a soda.

Blank: We had this installed for a reason. (_Presses "Docking" button_)

A big pillow inflates in front of the ship, causing a great, cushy 'thwump' on the castle of Alexandria.

A few seconds later, the castle comes crumbling down, injuring the people inside it.

Blank: It did its job cause we're not hurt.

Baka: I see everyone is ok. Alright, let's get this show on the road! Everyone shall remember this event forever!

Hurrah!

Baka: And we're still not getting paid.

Boo.

The night was dark…

The two moons were out…

The sky glittered with stars…

On stage…was a man…

King Leo: Thank you for coming everyone.

Leo: Our story begins with Marcus, our beloved hero, clashing swords against the father of Cornelia

Leo: If anyone wishes to throw money onto the stage at anytime of the play, please feel free to do so!

Leo: And now, the Prima Vista presents, "I Want to be Your Canary."

Leo: Now in 3-D.

Backstage…

Blank: Marcus, how could you have endured so much pain?

Cinna: My friend, I won't sit back and let you fight alone!

Zidane: Come, let us drive our blades into the wretched heart of King Leo.

Cinna: Aye!

Blank: Aye!

They rushed onto the stage to find everyone dead. Marcus, King Leo, everyone.

Zidane: I think we came out a little bit too late. This is your fault Blank!

Blank: Oh don't blame this on me. You're the one always getting drunk!

Zidane: I don't care, it's your beer I'm drinking.

Blank: Come here you!

They both exit into the back of the audience and run into the castle, leaving Cinna alone on stage.

Cinna: (_Throws tissue on King Leo_) Wipe yourself off. You're bleeding.

In the castle...

Soldiers: Ow! Oof! OW!

Blank: So, you done changing Zidane?

Zidane: Yea. But this armor...sucks!

Blank: Really? How so?

Zidane: Well, first off, my pockets have crumbs. My boots are sticky. My gloves are loose. My helmet smells. My armor's too big. Must I go on?

Blank: Sure, but what you want me to do about it? Give you a message and a back rub?

Zidane: (...) Maybe.

Blank: Come on, let's get going.

Zidane heads up the stairs first. A white-robed stranger comes out of a door and crashes into Zidane.

Zidane: Ouch. Watch where you're going!

Stranger: I'm sorry...

Zidane: Hmm, she doesn't look half bad. Say, have I seen you somewhere before?

Stranger: I'm not sure if you know me, but I know you're the drunkard of the town bar.

Zidane: (...) So?

Blank walks up the stairs

Blank: What's taking so long?

Stranger: I have to go!

The Stranger shoves through the two and goes away.

Blank: Wow, 3 strikes so fast?

Zidane: Shut up. We better go chase her.

Somewhere else in the castle...

Zorn: We're are doomed!

Thorn: The queen shall have our heads!

Zorn: The queen shall go boom!

Thorn: We are pretty much dead.

Zorn and Thorn: We must hurry!

At the Queen's seat...

Zorn: We must see the queen.

Thorn: Don't block like a screen.

Beatrix: What is the problem?

Zorn and Thorn: The Princess is missing!

Beatrix: I shall tell the queen.

Brahne: Quiet! I'm trying to watch the show so I can easily tell them how much it sucks afterwards.

Beatrix: It also appears Garnet has taken the royal pendant.

Brahne: Do not worry, all that thing does is collect dust. But I better hunt her down. Beatrix!

Beatrix: Yes?

Brahne: Knights of Pluto Captain Rusty!

Steiner: It's Steiner!

Brahne: Whatever! Track down Garnet and get her back to me. If we want to marry into a rich kingdom, we'll need her.

Beatrix and Steiner: Yes ma'am.

Steiner heads back into the castle.

Steiner: Knights of Pluto...ASSEMBLE!

Two Knights of Pluto with no armor comes out.

Blutzen II: (_Burp_)

Kohel III: I'm hungry.

Steiner: (...) Both of you put some clothes on and start looking for the other knights.

Blutzen and Kohel: Fine! (_Leaves_)

Steiner: Am I the only one sane around here?

At the top of a watch tower...

Steiner: Nope, still not here. I guess I shouldn't check the same place twice...thrice...

Over in the distance, Zidane is chasing the white-robed Stranger.

Steiner: Wow, stupid couples. But I can't stay here and watch, I must find the princess! (_Leaves, but comes back to watch_)

Over at Zidane...

Zidane: There's no where left to run.

Stranger: Shoot. This better work!

The white-robed stranger grabs a banner and flies across the city onto the top of the Prima Vista roof.

Zidane follows and flies onto the Prima Vista roof as well.

Steiner: That looks fun!

Steiner grabs a banner and starts to fly across, however, the banner rips and he falls right into the crowd of viewers.

Steiner: Ahhhh!

To be continued...

Blank: Man, where did Zidane go?

Brahne: What are you babbling about? Just sit and watch the show.

Blank: Oh, right. Pass the popcorn.

* * *

**Copyright to Final Fantasy 9, and Rush Hour.**


	3. Zidane Did It

Final Fantasy 9 – Engulfed in Stupidity

Chapter 3 – Zidane did it!

The white-robed stranger gets down from the roof of Prima Vista and goes inside. Zidane quickly follows.

The stranger crashes into Ruby.

Ruby: What in tarnation are you doing?

White-robed Stranger: Can you let me by please?

Ruby: Fine, but don't run. I just waxed the floor, making it all purty.

Stranger: Thank you. (**Walks on**)

Zidane: Ruby, did you happen to see a pretty girl go by here?

Ruby: No, I don't reckon I haven't. Wait, you not calling me purty?

Zidane: Of course you're pretty Ruby. Got to go!

Zidane tries to run away but slips and fall.

Ruby: Now where do you think you're going? (**Cracks knuckles**)

Zidane: Uh-oh.

Back on stage…

Cinna: Crap. How did this happen…?

Zombie Leo: Brains…

Zombie Marcus: Delicious brains…

Cinna: How did you guys become zombies? Alright, drastic times call for drastic measures! (**pulls out shotgun**) Have at thee!

Inside…

Zidane is limping with a black eye, casts, and arm stands.

Zidane: Ow, Ruby is so NOT a black belt in martial arts.

Zidane somehow catches up.

Zidane: Wow that was easy. Ok, you're coming with me.

White-robed Stranger: Nooo! I'm not going back there! You'll never take me alive! (**Pulls out 2 SMG's and points them at Zidane**)

Zidane: Whoa whoa whoa whoa whoa whoa hold up there! We're here to, uh, kidnap you princess.

The stranger drops her hood. She is a beautiful young woman.

White-robed Stranger: Then you should know who I am.

Zidane looks at his hand, two stick figures are drawn. One is labeled Zidane, and the other Garnet, who is inside a cage labeled "Pet." He nods.

Zidane: Princess Garnet.

Garnet: Yes. My horrible mother keeps me locked away in the castle tower, and there, I can only watch as the city grows. I want to travel to the ends of the world and be free, like you guys.

Zidane looks down. Erases the word "Pet" on the cage and replaces it with "Friend." Who is in a cage?

Zidane: Ok. We humbly kidnap you, Princess Garnet.

Garnet: Thank you.

A door opens, with Cinna on the other side. His body is all bloody.

Zidane screams like a little girl.

Garnet: Cool.

Cinna: Hey Zidane, looks like you got the package. Baka should be doing his resurrection scene any second now and be fighting against Marcus. Let's hurry and get this ship moving. Quick, into the backroom.

In the backroom…

Garnet: There's nothing in here.

Cinna: Watch. Open Sesame!

A secret door opens in the empty corner.

Cinna takes a drink from the hidden fridge and sips it.

Cinna: Ah. This secret refrigerator rocks.

Zidane: Cinna! Get us out of here!

Cinna: Oh, why didn't you say so? Kamikazi!

Self-Destruct System Initiated! This ship will blow in T-10 seconds.

Zidane: Why did you do that Cinna!?

Cinna: Because I never get to do that.

Zidane: You've doomed us all!

…

Garnet: So, how's the weather?

On the other side of the ship…five minutes ago…

Steiner: I have to save the Princess…

Knight of Pluto: Sir! I will help you!

Steiner: Thank you knight, now get up here!

The two charge into the back of the ship.

Steiner: There's no one here. But just to make sure, we should have a clear search.

Knight of Pluto: In here sir! I heard a noise!

Steiner and the knight charge into a room.

Steiner: There's nothing in here.

The knight kicks Steiner in the crotch and knocks him out. He takes off his helmet. It's Blank.

Blank: I have to hide you someplace safe.

Blank stuffs Steiner into a closet.

Blank: There.

Self-Destruct System Initiated! This ship will blow in T-10 seconds.

Blank: Oh man. Cinna's done it this time.

Sections of the ship started to explode.

Baka charges into the ship.

Baka: What's going on!?

Blank: Cinna initiated the self-destruct system.

Baka: We can't take out Alexandria, they paid me good money! Deport!

The theater ship begins to exit Alexandria.

Brahne: Oh no they don't! Ready the cannons! I am not entertained, so I wish to see fireworks tonight.

Cannons start to fire at the ship.

Meanwhile…

Puck: Ready slave?

Vivi: I'm not sure about this.

Puck: Come on, you want a better view of the show right?

Vivi: Yes…

Puck: Alright than. FIRE! (**BOOM**)

Puck fires Vivi from a cannon onto the Prima Vista.

Puck: Have fun!

Vivi lands on the Prima Vista.

Vivi: Thanks!

Inside…

Cinna: We're going to crash!

Blank: And it's all your fault!

Cinna: Like I care. (**continues to drink his soda**)

Baka: Brace yourselves!

The ship lands into a forest. Which burns the forest and causes a wild fire to destroy all the trees in the area in approximately 1 second.

…

Baka: Is everyone alright?

Zidane: Yea, I'm ok.

Blank: Could be worse.

Cinna: No! NO! THE PRIMA VISTA! It's…it's…ruined!

Zidane: Come on. Nothing we can't fix.

Cinna looks around at the burning ship. Several pieces of burning wood fall.

…

Cinna sighed.

Cinna: Everyone, start salvaging, we need to set up camp before we can get out of this forest.

Blank: Hey, where's the princess?

Zidane: Oh, her? Yeah, she fell overboard at the last second.

Baka: Well, she's probably dead by now. We need to repair the ship and head out.

Zidane: But I want to save her.

Baka: Forget it!

Zidane: (…)

Baka: Now help us salvage out everything we can. I don't want to be stuck with Cinna's bean dip surprise for the next few weeks.

Cinna: Oh come on, it isn't that bad.

Blank: I went to camp with you for three days. Two out of those three days, you farted every moment during the night.

Cinna: No one needs to know about that.

Blank: Come on, let's go gather up what we can.

Baka comes out of the ship with Marcus's body and throws it at Zidane, who gets knocked to the ground.

Baka: Wake him up and get him to make us camp.

Zidane: Will do!

Zidane begins to slap Marcus.

Nothing.

Zidane pours water on Marcus.

Nothing.

Zidane begins to…

Marcus: Huh, what…?

Zidane: Oh hey Marcus.

Marcus: Zidane!

Zidane: What?

Marcus: Why are you burying me!

Zidane: Because I wanted to give you a nice resting place.

Marcus: But why are you burying me with my head sticking out?

Zidane: Oh, I was going to shove your entire body deeper down the hole. You aren't at the bottom yet, so I was going to shove your body down the hole until I can't see you no mores.

Marcus: Well I'm still alive, smartass. Now get me out of here!

Zidane: Fine.

Meanwhile…

Vivi: Where am I?

Cinna: Whoa, it's a talking mushroom.

Vivi: I'm not a mushroom! I'm just a kid!

Cinna: Oh, so you're a talking sapling.

Vivi: What? You're blind and deaf mister.

Cinna: Hey, you don't have any food on you do you?

Vivi: No, why?

Cinna: Well…I'm lost, and hungry.

Cinna looks at Vivi. Vivi is hallucinated to be a hotdog.

Vivi: What are you looking at?

Cinna: Dinner.

Vivi's hands turn fiery.

Vivi: Back off.

Cinna: Ok than.

…

Cinna: Not even a small bite?

Vivi blasts Cinna with a fire spell, setting him on fire.

Vivi: Go burn in .

To be continued…

Marcus: Man, I'm tired.

Marcus goes into his room, and opens his closet to get some clothes.

Steiner falls down, leaning on Marcus.

Marcus: AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!

* * *

**Copyright to Final Fantasy, as always. Feel free to comment.**


	4. Food Fight

Final Fantasy 9 – Engulfed in Stupidity

Chapter 4 – Food Fight

Somewhere randomly in the forest…

Cinna: I'm telling you, we're lost.

Zidane: We're not lost!

Cinna: Than why can't we get back to the ship?

Zidane: Because SOMEONE crash-landed it.

Cinna: That has nothing to do with this Zidane!

Zidane: Yeah, sure, if you didn't crash-land the Prima Vista, we wouldn't be out in the woods hunting down animals for food!

Cinna: Hey, it's that or cannibalism.

Zidane: Well, we can always eat that knight.

…

Back at the campsite…

…

Steiner: For the last time, get me down from here!

Steiner is rotating above a hot fire on a rotating stick. Blank yawns as he turns the handle.

Blank: No can do. Zidane and Cinna have been lost in the woods for hours and we can't depend on them to return with food.

Steiner: But cannibalism isn't sane!

Blank: It is in my book.

Baka: Is the main course ready?

Blank: Nope, not yet. A little bit longer and he should be ready.

Steiner: Can I have something to eat before I die?

Blank: Should we?

Baka: Fine. Pick your plate.

Steiner: Give me that plant over there.

Baka: (Shoves it into Steiner's mouth) Eat up. More nutrition for us.

Steiner: (Swallows) Ha! That plant is poisonous. Now if you eat me, you all die!

Baka: But you die too you know…

Steiner: Just hurry up and eat me damn it!

Baka: Know what? I'm not hungry anymore…

Blank: Me neither…

Steiner: (Turns purple)

…

Somewhere randomly in the woods…

Zidane: We, are, lost.

Cinna: NOW YOU ADMIT IT!

Zidane: Well, earlier, we weren't. Now we are.

Cinna: What are we going to do now you buffoon?

Zidane: I'm going to ask for directions.

Cinna: From what?

Zidane: From…that. (Points to Vivi)

Vivi: Hm?

Cinna: Crap, it's the talking sapling! FOOD! (Jumps at Vivi)

Vivi: Fire! (Blasts Cinna)

Cinna: Ha, I have fire resistance. That didn't hurt me at all.

Vivi: Oh yea? (Kicks Cinna in shin)

Cinna: Ah! You little brat!

Vivi: Loser. (Runs off)

Cinna: Come here you little…

Zidane: Cinna! Wait!

The two of them chase after the mage. Somehow, they get back to camp.

Blank: Cinna! Zidane! Did you get the food?

Cinna: No. But we were chasing after a talking mushroom a second ago.

Blank: Well, we don't have any food. The stupid knight ate some poisoned sleeping weed and now we can't eat him.

Steiner: Ugh…so…dizzy…

Baka: Zidane! I know how you wanted to find the princess. Go out and bring her back to camp!

Zidane: What? You're going to eat her?

Baka: Well, you're going out there, and you're either coming back with an animal or a girl on your shoulder.

Blank: Besides, we'd eat you first if you screw up.

Baka: Now get going! We'll give you the knight to help.

Steiner: Where…am…I?

Zidane: Screw it, I'm going by myself. (Leaves)

Baka: Ok, so who wants to eat Cinna?

…

Randomly in the forest…

Zidane: Damn, this forest is big. And I'm starting to get hungry…

Moogle: Kupo! Do you want to save your memory?

Zidane: (…) Hungry.

Moogle: I don't have any food on me! Kupo.

Zidane: (Stares) Then why do you have cookie crumbs on your mouth?

Moogle: Kupo! That was from…when I fell in the mud.

Zidane: (Pulls out dagger) Give me some cookies before I decide to taste that little ball that comes out of your head.

Moogle: Kupo! (Runs away) 

Zidane: Fast food eh? Come back! (Chases)

The moogle jumps into a hole in a tree.

Zidane: Well, that's just great. I can solve this! Fire in the hole! (Throws grenade into the hole)

BOOM! The moogle comes flying out. Zidane picks it up by its wings.

Zidane: Give me the damn cookies.

Moogle: (Pulls cookies out of pocket) There! Happy Kupo? Let me go! (Struggles free) Stupid. (Flies away)

Zidane: (Eats cookies) See you later! Hey wait, I have to bring back food for everyone else. COME BACK YOU STUPID MOOGLE!

Zidane runs into the forest and heads into a random clearing. He finds Garnet lying on the ground.

Zidane: FOOD! I mean hot babe!

Zidane runs toward Garnet, but a huge plant beast sprouts from the ground and stares at Zidane with its…103 teeth?

Zidane: Oh great, I have to beat you to get to her? This is stupid. Can't anyone make my life easier?

Blank: I can.

Zidane: Hey Blank, did you come to save me?

Blank: No, I came to see you get eaten.

The plant monster lets out a huge roar and stares at Zidane.

Zidane: (Pulls out beefsteak and tosses it to Blank) Fetch.

The plant monster eats Blank and the beefsteak.

Zidane: (Runs past monster and picks up Garnet) Come here gorgeous.

The plant monster turns around and roars. Huge vines come out of the ground.

Zidane: CRAP!

Zidane runs away, carrying Garnet in his hands, all the way back to camp.

Baka: You got the food! Put her on the fire and she'll roast up just fine.

Zidane: We have other problems at the moment.

Big vines start to break down the forest.

Baka: Another reason why we should put her on the fire and let her cook so that we can die with a full stomach!

Zidane: Screw you. (Runs off with Garnet)

Baka: No! Wait! Come back with our food! Cinna ate poisonous plants too and now we can't eat him!

Zidane: (Far away) Sucks to be you!

Zidane runs out of the forest with Garnet in his arms as the forest behind him gets ensnared by green vines.

Zidane: Whoa, that was close. I hope some of the creatures made it out. I'm hungry now. (Looks over to right)

The same moogle from before is flying around.

Zidane: Food…


End file.
